People pleasing is not about being “kind”
I recently posted a quick video on people pleasing on social media that seemed to resonate with people. I often talk about people pleasing, because it’s something I’ve been working on personally.
I’ve discovered that people pleasing isn’t really about being “nice”, it’s actually unkind. Stick with me.
I’m not talking about being easy-going or being able to compromise. There needs to be give and take in every relationship. I’m talking about regularly giving up what matters to you, to avoid conflict, to belong and to stay connected.
When we say “yes”, but we mean “no”, we’re not being nice to ourselves or others. I often repeat to myself: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” (Thank you Brené Brown for your infinite wisdom)
People pleasing is about staying comfortable, and it is rooted in trying to control what other people think about you. We often go along to get along, but then build up resentment or anxiety. We avoid what makes us uncomfortable, which in turn hurts relationships. And it’s ultimately not kind to ourselves.
My goal with people pleasing is to be a more direct communicator. I’ve realized that by being more direct with others, and enduring what I call “hard conversations”, I am actually taking better care of my relationships.
If you struggle with people pleasing, I encourage you to reflect on these questions:
Where in life has conflict brought you closer in relationships?
How has people pleasing trained others to treat you? How would you like to be treated?
Where does anger or resentment live in your body when you feel overlooked or not considered?
If you struggle with people pleasing, you’re not alone!
Until next time,
Haley
